A WEDDING CONTROVERSY

 

A WEDDING CONTROVERSY

My cousin Trina wants to do the unthinkable and marry herself in a sologamous union. She swears that she has found no man on earth befitting of her, and that everybody she knows is single, and in practice of sologamy. After fourty years of singletude, Trina has decided to make a solemn vow, which will involve her taking a leap of faith, and committing fully to herself until death. Honestly, I find it hard to believe that Trina would obligate to anything or anyone for that matter, for she is as slippery as an eel.

Nonetheless, this is not even the worst part of her new found life path. Now Trina wants to include me in her sologamous event, as a witness. She has it figured out that since I am a woke individual, I should be on board with this lunacy, by accompanying her to our new China-made village, in order to announce to our conservative relatives about her impending nuptials. Sincerely speaking, most folks in my clan are weird. I thought I was the loonie of the family, breaking all the sacred rules but Trina makes my rebellion to look and feel like child's play.

This Trina woman is uniquely absurd, having been almost a bride way too many times, I guess she has given up on dream of becoming someone's wife, a position that clashes with her career, as well as her free spirited hippie lifestyle. As a matter of fact, Trina wants a union which does not include an overbearing husband, and a bunch of hostile children. Moreover, she cannot co-exist with humans within a house context. She finds this living arrangement not only to be extremely difficult but too suffocating as well, and thus would rather rent a hotel for weeks, than share a living space with anybody.

Furthermore, Trina does not stay in one place for long, and when a decent man whispers marriage in her ear, and attempts to tie the knot with her, she immediately transforms into a runaway bride, and does a sprint toward the hills. I do believe that Trina has accepted who she is, a non-commital Afropean, who would rather be alone than with herself. What is more, Trina wants to audaciously announce to her rigid clansmen of her solo marriage act, while tagging me along to solidify her folly. Unfortunately for me, I am loyal to her as she is to me, and for that reason alone, I will risk it all, and hesitantly accompany her to the village, for moral support.

Yet, before I throw caution to the wind and openly encourage Trina on her new-found life path, I have a myriad of questions for her, of which I will avoid asking on this platform, so as not to violate any community guidelines. Anyway, Trina has infinite ideas for her big day. Firstly, she wants old school jams, to play on heavy rotation during her sologamous event. Next, she wants her wedding gown to be an azure kaftan, with matching khaki pants underneath.

I am certain that Trina just wants to be the talk of the town, and a shock factor, causing her uncles to cringe, while killing her mother in the process, and letting me take the blame for aiding her unorthodox stunts. As a result, I have to step in and be the voice of reason, amidst this sheer marriage mania. Besides, this is not the first stunt Trina has pulled on us, for she has had her firsts of many comical moments. Firstly, she legally changed her name from Lilibeth to Trina, for a global appeal, which to me was the most ludicrous thing she ever did. Then she travelled abroad and brought back the first Caucasian man to ever grace our Chinese-improved village since independence, only to leave the piteous foreigner on red at the altar, citing irreconcilable differences.

Furthermore, she lived as a hippie, galivanting across the world, embarking on her Gulliver's travels. In the recent past, she had converted to Mormonism just because. Now, she wants to marry herself. I wonder what next ideology she will pull out of her free-spirited hat. By the way, could she not rely upon her righteous family for moral support? Why did she have to pick me as a witness in her insane endeavour? Or am I the poster child for everything queer? Now Trina wants me to use my negotiation skills, to convince the local orthodox priest, in our China village, to conduct the eccentric ceremony in our local parish, as part of my maiden duties.

This is where I draw the line, and instead offer a counter-suggestion of contacting those open-minded pastors operating online, for there was no way I was going to persuade a catholic priest to confer this wildness in his diocese, unless Trina was planning on marrying Christ Himself. Besides, I already had too many transgressions I needed to repent of, and not add to my long list of sinful acts. Perhaps lunacy does run in our family, and Trina has had it worse than me, because which other explanation is there for her erratic behaviours?

Perhaps she is having an existential crisis, or worse, pre-menopausal symptoms, anything to make sense of this odd idea in her head. Meanwhile, I am trying to come up with a rational solution to this Trina situation, before she makes the sologamy announcement. I am thinking that it would be ideal to postpone the wedding, until all parties are on board with this new tradition, of which I highly doubt of its possibility. Alternatively, I could convince Trina to throw a huge party on the Indian ocean, far away from our neo-oriental village, with an online ordained pastor, alongside her close knit woke friends.

I will further influence her on the need to have a spiritual birth in the hope that a spiritual cleanse will activate her heart to find God. This second idea is most plausible and best suited to Trina's ever-changing ideological mind, and therefore I pray for a miracle, or else I am doomed.