AFRICAN WIZARDRY HAS GONE DIGITAL!

 

AFRICAN WIZARDRY HAS GONE DIGITAL!

Operation dark arts has gone digital, with African sorcerers, wizards, and warlocks cramping for the digital space, in order to effectively serve their long list of clientele. Gone are the simple days when one had to travel for days, crossing rivers and bridges on foot, just to have a consult with a Sangoma, the native doctor. But before you were allowed in the presence of the warlock, all your offerings had to be in perfect condition for a complete ritual sacrifice, or else the gods would not administer any sort of aid to you.

What's more, this herbalist came with a heavy recommendation from a long list of satisfied clientage, and the more secluded he was from the populace, the more lethal he was purpoted to be. Anyway, his cowry shells did all the talking, on the dirty floor his musty hut. Now, I do not understand why his spirit guides would not take pity on him and upgrade his working conditions, despite using him as their medium.

At least a solid bath everyday, with a change of clothes, and new furniture would do for the forlon witch doctor. Additionally, he would need a well balanced diet, to keep him well nourished on the tough working conditions he is frequently exposed to. Eeiisshh! These entities are some very harsh masters, who charge a hefty soul for every morsel of wish they grant. So, expect no favours from them. It is do me, I do you, with these oppressive guides. 

Anyway, are we just going to sit and pretend that none of us has been on this native doctor rodeo before? Is the assumption that we all are bible-believing Christians who have never sort the services of a Baba Lao? Or am I intruding too much into your business, when I should be minding my own? But I digress.

As I was explaining to you earlier on, our Sangomas have gone digital and perhaps my prayer for them to have healthy working conditions has been answered. Nowadays, it is a rare occurrence to find the most influential and widely sort after Sangomas sitting on rough mats, inside dingy caves, wearing torn tunics, and chanting incoherently in between consults.

These days, the Sangomas have; moved from the villages, into the big cities, changed their titles to doctors, traded their robes for designer suits, dumped their cowry shells into the nearest latrine and instead picked up tarot cards and smart phones, to ump their prestige, rented a high-end office spaces complete with luxurious furniture, executive assistants, and appointment schedules that run only on weekdays, because Sangomas need their rest and beauty sleep too.

Unless there is a case of emmergency, particularly so with wealthy clients, who require special attention that only the Sangomas can either call, text, skype or offer home visit services to them if need be. Yes, the Sangomas are cashing in on their supernatural abilities, with no fear or failure whatsoever.

The good news is that the Sangomas are self-proclaimed doctors, who are supposedly able to cure different kinds of ailments and make your dreams come true, all in the same breath, for a hefty fee of course. Most Sangomas have a long list of incurables they can allegedly cure, from albinism to persistent foolishness, to stopping wreckless fear, or even consistent failure.

I bet you that these days, the Sangomas have added resurrection of the dead, and creation life in the womb to their service charge, if you can believe it. The Sangomas can equally grant all your wishes like the magic genie in a bottle. All you have to do is throw a request at them, impossible as it may seem, and they will be on it like white on rice, for the price of an arm and a leg.

I heard of one particular Sangoma who has developed a cure for a broken heart, all in a ten miligram dose of bitter concoction, administered once for three days, designed to stop a heartache in its tracks, all for a mere three thousand euros. I should make an effort to visit this Sangoma for my anticipated future heartbreak pain prescriptions. I suppose that three thousand euros is a small price to pay, so it better work, or else I will issue a lawsuit against the Sangoma for ten times the price of his miracle drug.

Nonetheless, this miraculous brew has not yet been scientifically researched or laboratory tested, and cliinically approved for use, yet I am ready and willing to take my chances with it, become a human test subject for it, so as to ascertain whether or not it can cure all my past, present, and future heartbreaks. Afterall, my desperation is for a good cause, and for the development of science, although the scientific part is somewhat a mystery.

Anyway, today the Sangomas will not ask a client for six green fowls, four blue eggs from a Duffy duck, two white rattle snakes, one cross-eyed midget he-goat, and tears of a depressed lioness, as payment for their services like they did before they discovered this cutting new-age technology. In these modern times, the Sangomas will accept any form of monetary payments, in form of money transfers, as approved by their spirit guides. Yes indeed, even their ancestors have embraced the digital era, and why not?

What is more astounding is that what the Sangomas do, so can our new age pastors. In fact, I think they have similar training backgrounds, for they almost think alike and sound the same to my hearing, as if they speak the same language, and are ruled by the same ancestral team. The only difference is that they operate on opposite fields. Same spirits, different platforms. Umh!