A SPECIAL GUIDE FOR ALL THE AFROPEANS, SEEKING TO RELOCATE BACK TO AFRICA

 

A SPECIAL GUIDE FOR ALL THE AFROPEANS, SEEKING TO RELOCATE BACK TO AFRICA

Sure, we welcome all you Afropeans back to the third world, our beloved motherland. Africa will always be your home, no doubt. Therefore, there is no need for locating your national roots through the ancestry website. Just pick a country of your choice, and relocate to it. I promise you all that wherever you land within the continent, it will feel like sweet home. But first, I feel that I must give you all a heads up, because of the impending culture shock you will experience.

Of course, you will be bombarded by dejà vù nostalgic emotions of your ancestral home, soon as your feet touch the African soil, as it is expected. But soon thereafter, you will start to feel an overwhelming crave of the social amenities you took for granted while living abroad. Despite the rapid growth happening in Africa, there are many third-world cultures, as well as resources that have not yet fully developed. Thus, it might take a rapid mental adjustment on your part, in order to cope with your new environment.

Let us start with the weather. The motherland is blessed with favourable climate all year round. Moreover, there is plenty of rain and sunshine for you to bask and pleasure in. Count your lucky stars that snow can only be seen on mountain peaks, for it is a rare occurrence on this side of the Sahara. With these blessed weather, brings about variety of natural fruits and vegetables that you will enjoy savouring all-year long.

So, do not worry, for you will not starve. However, I must caution you that communicable diseases are imminent, thus you might want to plan a doctor’s visit for a few jabs, if only for your own piece of mind. Otherwise, you have my word that once you settle in and grow a few natural shock-absorbers within your mind, body, and soul, then all will be well with you.

Housing and electricity is considered a blessing in Africa, because many rural and urban homes are still lacking in both housing development, as well as power supply. Therefore, we do not take for granted such comforts and you should not either. Nonetheless, be warned that power supply fluctuates many a times because of frequent blackouts, so patience is required on your part. Yet, if you cannot deal with constant power interruptions, you may go for an alternative source and lucky for you, solar is readily available.

Fresh and salty water is in plenty too, depending on where you choose to relocate to. Although, I must caution you that most rental homes do not have indoor plumbing. Consequently, you might be required by circumstances to either pay out of pocket, or do what the locals do, by going to the nearest water pools or water posts, to fetch and carry jerrycans of water on your head or by the help of a hired donkey. On the bright side, think of all the money you can save on both indoor plumbing and gym equipment. Awesome, right?

Transportation is will absolutely blow your mind. Here in Africa, most people rely on, and very much prefer public transportation, for it is cheaper and way faster than any other way of commode. Moreover, we have plenty ways of travel to choose from including; bus shuttles, mini vans, taxis, and the fastest of all, the motorbikes. Regular people do not have the time nor money to spend on private vehicles, thus they settle for the cheapest way of travel.

Mode of transportation will require a serious mental adjustment on your part, because apart from the slow traffic and the horrible roads, most drivers do not care much for road safety as they do money. So, you are strongly advised to have a serious bond with your maker, because you most definitely need the daily protection.

Speaking of which, religion is the opium of your native brethren. As a result, you are required to swallow your atheist traditions and new-age philosophies, while dealing with the locals. Otherwise, you will end up being blacklisted in many communities as a Khafir or worse, Satan’s breed. I will have you know that spirituality is a complex maze in the motherland, therefore I will strongly advise you to give us the teachings of His Majesty, our Lord and Saviour, for we do not want no devil’s philosophy. But incase you are unable to do so, please close your eyes and look the other way, for your own good.

The economics of Africa also does need divine intervention. Jobs are hard to come by. Therefore, you Afropeans need a big brain and God on your side, for money to flow to you. I will recommend you to use your skills, gifts and talents, in order to prosper, for you cannot rely only on eight to five day jobs to progress financially, unless you are a professional working in international organizations. Otherwise, work with what the divine blessed you with, if you want to make it in the motherland.

The African society, though modern, is as conservative and somewhat rigid, especially with issues of love and marriage. The good thing is that your chances of finding true love, as well as lasting connections are high, though this is not a guarantee. Yet, should you feel that Africa is too complex for you, and that you wish to embrace the diaspora as your permanent residence, then by all means, go for it! I once again do welcome all you Afropeans back home. Akwaba!

 

 

 

I AM THAT ANGRY BLACK WOMAN

 

I AM THAT ANGRY BLACK WOMAN

I could fill up this page with raw rage of my anger issues. I am a walking red flag at this moment, as I lay out my frustrations out in the open. I do not need your pity nor your solace. Instead, toss me a pen and paper, step aside, and allow me jot down my fury. I am no longer dimming my light for society to step on my head, and take over my shine. Even though the odds are always stuck against me, I will fight to rise and be who I was meant to be. Although I cannot seem to win even for loosing, I must fake win or die trying.

Nonetheless, most people want to know where my anger stems from. There is a glass ceiling around my energy field, which has made it hard for me to breakthrough over to the other side of victory. I guess society has an invisible blockade around me that is an obstacle I have tried to overcome, ever since the day I became conscious of this racial matrix. Moreover, society has equally given me a code black identity. Nothing comes easy for an empowered black woman like me, unless I sell my soul to society's blood-thirsty ways, embrace a mediocre lifestyle, and bend over backwards in submission to his masochistic whims, chauvinistic ploys, and sexist traditions.

Society does not appreciate my kinky hair or my brazen skin. Actually, it is more of a silent disdain of my God-given beauty. He insists that I embrace his cookie-cutter standards of beauty, or else, he will label me a threat and a meanace to society. Hence, I should burn or perm my hair, as well as bleach my skin to make it fair and less black. Additionally, the synthetic weaves are much more appealing than the locks on my head.

Therefore, I should reject God's perfection, and instead embrace societal's imperfections, is what he thinks is best for me. If it was not for my outright rebellion against your racial intolerance, you would have me standing against the wall, awaiting for your instructions on how to live my life.

Society has turned my kind against me, such that even the sons of my mother find me appalling. What's more, they project their hate towards me and my fellow sistren, causing division among us. As a result, my brothers prefer to be community husbands rather than family men, chasing everything in skirt, sowing their wild oats, and fathering a generation of bastard children, who will repeat this demonic cycle well into their future.

Furthermore, my brethren do not care anymore about my worth as an African woman. Afterall, what does it matter if I have beauty and brains, just as long as I can sire children, while being forced into a cyclic polygamous entanglement of struggle love? At this moment in time, my nine lives have been reduced to three, with all the social injustices I have had to endure my entire life.

As it is now, my brothers much prefer to be with Becky and Karen, than to be with me. According to them, interracial love trumps black love anyday. Thus, as soon as they get an attack of the jungle fever, they loose their sense of pride,   disassociate from their kind, and run to the opposite direction in search for true love. Most of my brothers believe that I am too black for a happily ever after, while others accuse me of being too loud and very emasculating with that strong independent woman nonsense.

Nonetheless, Becky is the one considered not only as a safe financial investment but also as a huge ego boost, while a Karen is viewed as a peace-loving retirement package. In short, I am the one he struggles with but Becky is the one he glories with! Still, society will not rest with heaping his burdens on me. He wants to dictate my every move.

I cannot speak my mind, incase he risks loosing his harsh grip over me. My vast knowledge stands as a threat to his manhood. My budding career is a hit to his ego. My wealth and power weakens his voice against me. My bright future is detrimental to his. I will not accept the bottom-pot lifestyle that society has planned for me. I will not stay in the dark, and watch my life pass me by. Instead, I will wait patiently for my ships to come in and if they delay, then I will go after them.

Whenever I harshly protest about the discrimination, society takes the moral highway, and throws the bible in my face to remind me that God does not like ugly. But when my voice gets louder, he gets even more sanctimonious, asking me “What would Jesus do?” Why would you bring Jesus into this conversation, when you clearly do not respect His word? The Bible is gibberish to you, and does not serve your racial agenda.

Maybe I should join another religion. Perhaps, it would not be so judgmental of me. Yet, I doubt if religion is strong enough to relieve me of my anger. At this point, I look to God, my compassionate Father and the only masculine figure capable of loving me unconditionally, breathing hope and life within me, and eventually causing my anger to subside. Afterall, what is your hate, when I have the favour of God upon my life?

I AM AFRO-JUSTICE!

 

I AM AFRO-JUSTICE!

My ancestors have gifted me with a super power. Thanks to them, I now possess god-like attributes that do qualify me to be the official guardian of the afro-universe. I am one of this generation's finest black superheroes. I am an Oracle, capable of seeing deep into the ancient past, to uncover cold-case treachery, and bring all the dead culprits to book. I am Afro-Justice!

Consequently, I desire to be a member of the Justice League. Afterall, the world does need more afro-heroes, and my newly found gift can serve humanity, this side of the Sahara. We have villains all over the Sahel, and I am afraid Wakanda is not a nation existing on my afro-world radar, therefore, I cannot rely on its expertise.

Well, I could summon the best of sorcerers, warlocks, and even a coven of witches to battle but I am afraid that the Christian community will put a dumper on my heroics. Even the nation of Islam will not understand my dabbling in witchcraft or cavorting with darkness.

Hence, my only choice is to go professional and join the League of Justice. But how do I blend into the marvel universe, with my afro-puff? First things first, I pretty much need to pass the superhero check list. My new super-power qualifies me to be on the dream team. To be fair, Bat Man has no super powers, yet he is a member of the Justice League. Thus, the marvel universe should consider a merger with the afro-universe as a ginormous power deal, and my entry to the league, as a timely blessing.

Besides having a regular boring name, acquiring an alter ego inter-galactic type name is the hallmark of a true superhero. To mere mortals, I am known as Betty Baijun, the poet but Yatta Ma, guardian of the afro-universe, is my immortal identity. I previously wanted to knight myself as the woman king but I was duly informed that the title was already taken. Oh, well, I guess I will have to settle for Yatta Ma, the afro-siren, because what Justice League by-laws prevent me from looking good, while fighting crime?

A foreign accent, accompanied with an iconic voice like that of the legendary James Earl Jones is also ideal for any serious superhero, although booming vocals like the one Tracy Chapman, is more gender appropriate and acceptable. Yet, who cares if my voice sounds like that of Barry White, as long as I am able to save humanity from the forces of evil?

An ancient-type of animal like a Behemoth or a more common type of an Ox, is my transportation choice, since I never learned to drive a car or a motorbike, not to talk of a jet plane. So for now, I will take my chances with riding on a beast any day, rather than those hazardous metallic contortions. Besides, it is more humane to own and maintain a beast than it is to pollute the environment with those futuristic Chinese entrapments.

Also, the afro-universe will be mighty fierce with a legion of ancestral spirits out to fight by my side, alongside my allies, against those pesky villains but mostly so my arch-nemesis Shaitan, that lying dare devil. Of course, I possess ancient weaponry gifted to me by the gods to defend the territory within my domain. As yet, I have not decided which ammunition works best for me but I guess, if push comes to shove, then I will shove my golden spear into my opponents, afro-style.

I definitely do happen to have a rumoured secret love affair with an on again-off again mystery man, who also happens to have ancient heroic afro-genes like I do but our lives' missions just happen to collide in the midst of this inter-galactic war, as we happen to be on the opposites sides of the warfare. The break up to make up story line makes for good television, and hence it will remain a mystery for now, as I am trying to pitch the Yatta Ma narrative structure to Marvel Studios.

Finally, a backstory of my humble beginnings, passed down through folklores, and narrated in the third person, possibly by me or perhaps by an ancient seer, who is equally my spirit guide. This biography has potential for numerous television sequels, although I still will need to wire out all the intricate details in one believable sequence, as there is really not much happening behind the scenes with Yatta Ma. Perhaps, it is Betty Baijun who brings the sweet tea into this entire plot.

All the same, if we the Justice League, are at war with sons of anarchy, we will win. We can neutralize a virus like Covid 19 or ballistic missiles. Should we go battle with machines, we can sure shut them down. Even an alien invasion is within our scope of reach. But if we are battling demonic entities or other celestial beings, then God help us all, since the spiritual territory is a no go zone for me. I actually work for the Creator of the afro-universe, so I am not permitted to engage the dark world and ancient devils, without ultimate authority or protection. Granted I have super strength but even I have limitations.

The beauty of being a superhero is that everything goes, when it comes to saving the world. There are no judgements when associating with unscrupulous individuals, if only to win the war. All that is missing is an appointment letter from the Marvel universe, to acknowledge me as one of their kind. I could use my gender card and force my way in but if that does not pan out, then I will take my chances, and join forces with the X-Men.

 

THE ORACLE SPEAKS: SPIRITUAL WARFARE

 

THE ORACLE SPEAKS: SPIRITUAL WARFARE

Ladies and gentlemen, we are war, and as we approach the last frontier of this warfare, the prince of darkness is becoming increasingly agitated, for he is on a time lapse, hence he is on a mission to trap as many souls that will accompany him to his final destination. Yet, this war is not really about you and I. In fact, I dare say that this war does not concern any of us.

This battle is between good and evil, and between light and darkness. You see, Lucifer, is a fallen angel, who has an ancient grudge with his former Master and Creator, our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. You and I just happen to be caught up in this immortal combat.

Here lies the true story of the prince of darkness. Long before God created man, Lucifer was a Cherub, and a worship leader, formulating praise songs, together with the heavenly host, in honour of our Lord and Saviour. Then one moment in time, a thought came to his mind to rebel, overthrow his King, and become like the Most High. But even his potent ambition could not land him on the heavenly throne.

 

Nonetheless, he recruited a host of angels into the rebellion against God but the archangel Michael, together with the Lord's army, countered this rebellion, and drove Lucifer and all his minions out of heaven, where he fell like lightening down to the earth. Therefore, out of anger, Lucifer became Satan, God's opponent, who wages war throughout centuries, against all the inhabits of the earth.

Thus, whatever beautiful and wonderful creations God made on earth, the devil has turned it to evil, continuing in his vile quest to destroy anything and everything God blessed, including you and I. As it is now, humanity has not yet figured out the extent of this spiritual warfare surrounding its kind, despite the many questions regarding this warfare.

As a result, I will try and answer almost every question that had crossed our minds concerning this spiritual warfare. But before I do, I would like to put out a disclaimer that God did not create man and put him on earth to suffer. Rather, it is His will for man to prosper in this lifetime. Therefore, knowledge is the key that God will use to break the chains, and set us free.

The most common question mankind asks God is, "If Satan is the problem, then why would you not just get rid of him once and for all?" You see, Lucifer was created and not born like the sons of men. Moreover, he was not created in time, and out of dirt like humans.

Furthermore, the rules that apply to a man, do not apply to his angelic nature, for he operates in spirit form, while man operates in human form. In short, the laws and principles that govern the celestial realm are more complicated, and far beyond our human comprehension. So then, let us leave the fate of this fallen angel to his Maker.

Another melancholic question we all ask our Lord is, "God, why do you allow us to suffer?" You may not believe it but God only has good plans for you and I to blossom, and be of great health. Unfortunately for us, we do live in a fallen world, with much pain and turmoil. What's more, the enemy of our soul is hell bent on grieving us with sorrowful burdens, mostly because we are made in God's image and likeness.

Let me remind you all once more that it is the will of God that we all flourish in everything we do, yet the enemy makes it harder for us to be victorious in life. That is why we must fight to obtain all that God has promised to us. Further, a myriad of people ask this disheartening question of, "Why did God allow us to be born into this chaotic world?"

Well, God allowed you and I to be born into this world, in order for us to proclaim His glory. He also gave us His Word, so that we may know how to navigate this cold world. Yet, blatant ignorance, a lack of knowledge of His Word, of which a bunch of quack teachers have hijacked and sold it for their own gain, have made it near impossible for mortals to survive this dark world.

What we essentially need in our lives, is the light of Christ to make it on this earth. Therefore, I suggest that you stop relying on all those false prophets for your spiritual growth, and instead, turn to your Lord and Saviour and ask Him for an accurate revelation on how to survive this wicked world. The beauty about Christ is that He never disappoints, nor does He fail.

Another common question which ruminates in the hearts of men is, “Why does evil always seem to prevail over good?" It because our world was built on a faulty foundation, where evil comfortably resides. Notice that I did not say the earth was built upon a defect but the world was. Therefore, whoever who runs the world, is running it at a default, creating room for evil to nest in our world.

However, this is not to say that good is not present in our world. In fact, it is the presence of good that sustains our world from annihilation. Therefore, any good deed that proceeds from you, is a seed of light you sow into our world for the sustenance of our future. In word, evil is designed to self-destruct, while good is always triumphant.

Perhaps yet a final question to this discord would be, "Why do many righteous people die before their time, while the wicked people tend to live it up for a long while?" This is a strange phenomenon that even I get baffled by. It is unfair that wicked men live to enjoy the earth's privileges, while the righteous ones sleep early in death. Yet, God in His sovereignty, is the only one who knows why the wicked seem to prevail over the righteous.

Nevertheless, I will try and attempt at a plausible answer that will help us understand this quagmire. Yet firstly, I feel somewhat obligated to speak for the departed souls. It probably is God who desires that the righteous exit early, so that their souls do not live long to be contaminated by the evil in the world. I do believe that their preservation is far more important than their stay on earth.

As for the longevity of wicked, I also do believe that it is the plan of God that they also live long enough to change their foul ways. God grants them more time, with the hope that they will realize the error of their ways, turn and repent, for His grace and mercy to shine upon their lives, and thereby transform them. As I told you sons of men earlier on, we are at war, and the only way to survive and win this war, knowledge is the key.

 

AFRICAN WIZARDRY HAS GONE DIGITAL!

 

AFRICAN WIZARDRY HAS GONE DIGITAL!

Operation dark arts has gone digital, with African sorcerers, wizards, and warlocks cramping for the digital space, in order to effectively serve their long list of clientele. Gone are the simple days when one had to travel for days, crossing rivers and bridges on foot, just to have a consult with a Sangoma, the native doctor. But before you were allowed in the presence of the warlock, all your offerings had to be in perfect condition for a complete ritual sacrifice, or else the gods would not administer any sort of aid to you.

What's more, this herbalist came with a heavy recommendation from a long list of satisfied clientage, and the more secluded he was from the populace, the more lethal he was purpoted to be. Anyway, his cowry shells did all the talking, on the dirty floor his musty hut. Now, I do not understand why his spirit guides would not take pity on him and upgrade his working conditions, despite using him as their medium.

At least a solid bath everyday, with a change of clothes, and new furniture would do for the forlon witch doctor. Additionally, he would need a well balanced diet, to keep him well nourished on the tough working conditions he is frequently exposed to. Eeiisshh! These entities are some very harsh masters, who charge a hefty soul for every morsel of wish they grant. So, expect no favours from them. It is do me, I do you, with these oppressive guides. 

Anyway, are we just going to sit and pretend that none of us has been on this native doctor rodeo before? Is the assumption that we all are bible-believing Christians who have never sort the services of a Baba Lao? Or am I intruding too much into your business, when I should be minding my own? But I digress.

As I was explaining to you earlier on, our Sangomas have gone digital and perhaps my prayer for them to have healthy working conditions has been answered. Nowadays, it is a rare occurrence to find the most influential and widely sort after Sangomas sitting on rough mats, inside dingy caves, wearing torn tunics, and chanting incoherently in between consults.

These days, the Sangomas have; moved from the villages, into the big cities, changed their titles to doctors, traded their robes for designer suits, dumped their cowry shells into the nearest latrine and instead picked up tarot cards and smart phones, to ump their prestige, rented a high-end office spaces complete with luxurious furniture, executive assistants, and appointment schedules that run only on weekdays, because Sangomas need their rest and beauty sleep too.

Unless there is a case of emmergency, particularly so with wealthy clients, who require special attention that only the Sangomas can either call, text, skype or offer home visit services to them if need be. Yes, the Sangomas are cashing in on their supernatural abilities, with no fear or failure whatsoever.

The good news is that the Sangomas are self-proclaimed doctors, who are supposedly able to cure different kinds of ailments and make your dreams come true, all in the same breath, for a hefty fee of course. Most Sangomas have a long list of incurables they can allegedly cure, from albinism to persistent foolishness, to stopping wreckless fear, or even consistent failure.

I bet you that these days, the Sangomas have added resurrection of the dead, and creation life in the womb to their service charge, if you can believe it. The Sangomas can equally grant all your wishes like the magic genie in a bottle. All you have to do is throw a request at them, impossible as it may seem, and they will be on it like white on rice, for the price of an arm and a leg.

I heard of one particular Sangoma who has developed a cure for a broken heart, all in a ten miligram dose of bitter concoction, administered once for three days, designed to stop a heartache in its tracks, all for a mere three thousand euros. I should make an effort to visit this Sangoma for my anticipated future heartbreak pain prescriptions. I suppose that three thousand euros is a small price to pay, so it better work, or else I will issue a lawsuit against the Sangoma for ten times the price of his miracle drug.

Nonetheless, this miraculous brew has not yet been scientifically researched or laboratory tested, and cliinically approved for use, yet I am ready and willing to take my chances with it, become a human test subject for it, so as to ascertain whether or not it can cure all my past, present, and future heartbreaks. Afterall, my desperation is for a good cause, and for the development of science, although the scientific part is somewhat a mystery.

Anyway, today the Sangomas will not ask a client for six green fowls, four blue eggs from a Duffy duck, two white rattle snakes, one cross-eyed midget he-goat, and tears of a depressed lioness, as payment for their services like they did before they discovered this cutting new-age technology. In these modern times, the Sangomas will accept any form of monetary payments, in form of money transfers, as approved by their spirit guides. Yes indeed, even their ancestors have embraced the digital era, and why not?

What is more astounding is that what the Sangomas do, so can our new age pastors. In fact, I think they have similar training backgrounds, for they almost think alike and sound the same to my hearing, as if they speak the same language, and are ruled by the same ancestral team. The only difference is that they operate on opposite fields. Same spirits, different platforms. Umh!