WHEN SNOW WHITE TRANSFORMS INTO BLACK RAIN

 

WHEN SNOW WHITE TRANSFORMS INTO BLACK RAIN

I had a mind to call our nubian version of Snow White as Black Snow but I figured that it would not make much sense, since snow is a rare occurrence on this side of the Sahara. Also, this famous tale would best be located in West Africa, home to the greatest of empires known to man, whereby there is abundant sun and lush equatorial rain forests, well suited for Black Rain to embody her royal character. Besides, Africans worldwide will cordially connect, and happily relate to my recount of this ancient fairy tale.

Soon as the Snow White narrative landed in sixteenth century Africa, it would have immediately morphed into a folklore, for conservative Africans did not believe in fairies. What’s more, any imaginary creatures, animalistic cryptids or wired-looking humanoids with wings on their back, would automatically be rendered as evil spirits, and therefore frighteningly considered to be abominable. Furthermore, there was no way our forefathers would have personal interactions with fairy beings, without catching a mental case. Besides, it is not in our negro nature to interact freely with aliens.

Black Rain would never have been an only child of her mother. In fact, I do believe she would have had at least ten blood brothers and sisters. Yet, even if she happened to be an only child, I bet you that her father, the king, would have had several wives, mistresses, concubines, girlfriends and a multitude of side pieces. Therefore, the ebony princess would have had a village full of siblings, regardless of whether they were step or half-related. Hence, she would have never been or felt lonely a day in her life.

Similarly, the wicked step-mother’s place in the story plot would have been somewhat misplaced, because Black Rain would have had numerous fair-looking queen step-mothers, for African kings were known to acquire only the most beautiful of princesses in other kingdoms. Consequently, these queens would have been at war with each other, dismissing Black Rain as a mere child, and overlooking her as a valid competition in matters of beauty and fairness.

What of the magic mirror? I bet you that only the king’s Seer would be in possession of anything that was believed to be magical. Besides, were there any existing mirrors in pre-colonial Africa? Our ancestors were fond of gazing inside water pools, when they wanted to catch a glimpse of their reflections. Needless to say, it was not a regular practice for our antecedents to stare at themselves, for they already knew how fearfully and wonderfully made they were.

Likewise, the huntsman would never have been around Black Rain long enough to lure her into the woods, because as a peasant and a lowly servant, he would never have been in the presence of any royal subject. Moreover, the huntsman would have never come close to Black Rain, for she would have always been in the company of; her step-queen mothers, siblings, palace guards, maids, servants, and the gods, keeping watch over the royal household.

Additionally, the sacred vows that the huntsman would have taken, in order to serve the king would have paralyzed him from taking on such a dangerous assignment of terminating a royal princess. Even if the huntsman was able to pull a hijack, kidnap, and manage to kill Black Rain, then trust the services of the dark priests, wizards, warlocks, sorcerers, mediums, seers, and any sort of oracle within the kingdom, to trace the huntsman and fry him like roast beef at the stake. I tell you that this one task given to the huntsman by a jealous step-queen mother, would have him running to the hills and never looking back.

Then there is the question of the seven dwarfs. In primordial Africa, dwarfs were known to be a special breed of humans, who were posted to the service of any living oracle. They were recruited by the gods to serve as helping hands to priests, sort of like how the elves work for Santa clause. Hence, it would have been an abomination for the dwarfs to have any sort of communication with any royal subject. No sooner than the dwarfs came into contact with the nubian princess, than they would called the priest to deal with that awkward situation. Forget Black Rain cooking and cleaning for the dwarfs, because they would not have allowed her into their cabin in the woods, for fear of committing sacrilege.

What of prince charming, the gentleman who swoops in to save the day? In primitive Africa, Black Rain would have never been a damsel in distress. She would already perfected her combat experience, as women of primitive Africa were skilled warriors, who battled alongside men for territorial invasions and domination. Besides, the black princess would have already been engaged as an infant, to another royal infantile prince, from a kingdom far away.

In actuality, there was nothing like stolen kisses or secret love affairs behind the bushes for African royals in ancestral Africa. Only the regular folks would have gotten away with bush romance, as they were not living under a microscope of royal scrutiny. Equally, as teenager, the nubian princess would have already been considered ripe for a royal union, and best believe that her step-queen mothers would have been the ones pulling her hurriedly down the aisle, if only to get rid of her and eliminate any sort of unforeseeable competition.

Lastly, a happily ever after was never portrayed in any historical African folklore. To be completely honest, old-fashioned Africans valued food, shelter, health, wealth, and freedom from slavery more than perpetual happiness. On the practical side of real life, we can say that the prince and the princess both lived one day at a time, by the grace of God, because with epidemics such as malaria, yellow fever, pneumonia, among other tropical diseases, and savage beasts plaguing equatorial Africa, a happily ever after would have been a foggy dream. Do you now see why the Snow White story line would not fit within an African setting?