OF BLIND DATES AND POTENTIAL PARTNERS; RULES QUEENS SHOULD FOLLOW WHEN ON A BLIND DATE

 OF BLIND DATES AND POTENTIAL PARTNERS; RULES QUEENS SHOULD FOLLOW WHEN ON A BLIND DATE

To all you woke new age single ladies, listen up, while I dish out golden nuggets designed to help you survive blind dates, and possibly find your future partners, without sweating the small staff or jumping over hurdles to get to your happily ever after. So, swallow these nuggets presented to you, in order not to end up regretting futuristic love fails. The choice is yours, thus choose wisely. But without further ado, here is a quick rundown of the rules a lady should keep, when embarking on a blind date.

Ladies, do not anticipate anything while on a blind date, no matter how excited you are. While you are at it, just hope for the best but also expect the worst of it. Likewise, should your blind date turn out to be an earth angel, then by all means count yourself lucky, and make sure to healthily stick to them until forever. However, if you come across a nut job with cross-eyes, I seriously recommend that you leave quietly, block his number, whisper a prayer of gratitude, and pretend that you never met him a day in your life. Like I said, while on a blind date, hope for the best but expect the worst.

The real question remains, who is hooking you up with a blind date? It better not be some random friend you barely know, that you casually allow them introduce you to a serial killer. On the contrary, if your mother got you the hook-up, then politely oblige her and go, before her seasonal hypertension kicks in. Moreover, you may also trust your pastor to set you up on a rendezvous, although tread with caution here, for rumour has it that church folks are just as grimy as the heathen. Hence, no matter who connects you to a blind date, let discernment carry you throughout the date.

Additionally, time factor is of paramount importance, when it comes to setting up an appointment. Any dude asking to go out on a date with you on a Monday morning, is a jobless individual, unless he runs his own business, or has taken a leave of absence from his regular job. Similarly, do not take it lightly when a guy requests that you meet up for a date at three o’clock in the morning, during the witching hour. Instead, respond by asking him to follow you to church for a vigil at the same hour, and watch for his reaction. Yet, whatever you decide to do, do not fall for the illusion of thinking that it is cute for a guy to call you after midnight, requesting for a blind date like a vampire would. Ladies, always remember, safety first.

Further, confirm the location of the set date ahead of time. “Where are you taking me for lunch?” is the appropriate question to ask your blind date, a day before the due date. Otherwise, he may drag you downtown Nairobi, across the Haile Selassie avenue, for a special treat of chips funga and kuku pono that costs less than those in midtown. There, you will have no choice but to either stand amidst numerous customers, the traffic noise and air pollution, while you down the crusty meal or you can excuse yourself from the embarrassment, by lying to your date that you are on a three-day dry fast, and leave it at that. Nonetheless, do not be angry at the guy for trying, because it may just be all he could afford, with the end month being round the corner, and besides, at least he was a gentleman about it.

What’s more, if you find yourself on a blind date with an older male, I will suggest that you please leave the sugar daddy alone, unless you want all your teeth to fall out from root magic, courtesy of his overly possessive ex-wife. Always say no to elderly men, and duck everytime they cast their net toward you. However, I know that some of you might dismiss this warning but do not come crawling back to me, requesting me to point you toward the direction of Loliondo, to seek treatment for a mysterious illness, when trouble comes knocking at your door. In the end, you will only have yourself to blame dear.

Furthermore, a smart casual dress-code is recommended, for a blind date. Mini skirts, micro dresses, booty shorts, and tube tops are for ratchets and not for women of substance. In short, let your fashion match your intelligent quotient, enough for the guy to want to tap more into your brain power than tag under your skirt. Moreover, make the guy value your mind more than your pout red lips and vibrating thighs. Afterall, you have at least ten more years for you to transform from a spring chicken to roast beef.  Therefore, make use of your brain more, meanwhile your luscious body generate solid bonus points in your honour.

Similarly, when it comes to paying the bills for the meals consumed on any type of a date, your policy in life should be as follows, “It is not my place to interfere with the tradition of the gentleman’s place to pick up the tab, for I am a lady who respects traditions.” Unless that man has asked that you chip in and pay the bill, do not ever volunteer your precious coins, even if you wish to. Otherwise, you will make him feel emasculated, if you keep swiping your black card in front of his face. Look, I know you can afford to pay for your meals dear, yet give the man a chance to shine too, by not casting a shadow over his manhood. So, take one for the team, and act like a damsel for once in your life, to guard his self-respect.

On the other hand, lay off the selfies, while on a blind date. You reek of desperation, when you go about plastering your private life all over social media, for the public to digest, Besides, you may loose your sight from constantly flashing light on to your face. For once in your life, keep your phone on silent and off the table, and have a decent conversation with a fellow human being. Lastly, do not random-text the poor man, immediately after the date. Rather, allow the food to reach his bowels, before you can bombard him text messages. Infact, give him the chance to text you first, and perhaps ask you out on a second date.