OF BLIND DATES AND POTENTIAL PARTNERS; THE MOST BIZARRE BLIND DATE I HAVE EVER BEEN ON...

 

OF BLIND DATES AND POTENTIAL PARTNERS; THE MOST BIZARRE BLIND DATE I HAVE EVER BEEN ON...

Of all the dates I have ever been on, a blind date was by far the most peculiar. You see, in my twenties, I was determined to live life to the fullest, and since I was vibrant, charged up and full of youthful energy, there was no stopping my ambitions to meet up with beautiful people who were livid like I was. Therefore, every friend in my circle was dying to partner me up with their handsome friends, a thing I did not mind, seeing as I was spring chicken back then. Oh, how I reminisce of those golden days, whereby social media was a new concept in the market, which people were not so curious about. At the time, I was a proud owner of a Nokia 3310 phone, which was a cause for commotion in my social life, a gadget that made me feel very much in tune with the technological world.

A dear friend of mine, once upon a time, decided to hook me up on a blind date, with one of her learned  friends, who she thought was a brilliant match for me. At first, I was skeptical of blind dates, since I was not eager to date total strangers, besides wanting to fly solo but she nagged and insisted upon it for weeks, such that I reluctantly agreed to it, just so that I could get her off my back. What’s more, the way she constantly praised the potential guy, one would think that he was an extra-terrestrial from planet mars, with superman-like qualities. According to my bosom buddy, I was a perfect fit for him, and since she had my consent, she did not waste time on hooking us up. Her learned friend then called me up, to ask me out on a blind date, of which I obliged.

The due day approached and I made sure to spruce myself up for the highly anticipated rendezvous, of  course with all combat rules of engagement tucked up my sleeve. Anyhow, I was fashionably late for my date, which in Nairobi is practically acceptable, if you consider the everyday traffic jam that slowly moves into the city centre, forcing the matatu I was in to drop me way off my designated stage, and consequently making me to walk a long mile before I could make it to my appointment. Also, at this moment in time, bodabodas had not yet been invented, however this is not an excuse as to why I was late for a romantic date, though it kind of looks like it. Nonetheless, bear with me dear reader and try not to judge me, ok?

Anyhow, the hyped up handsome learned friend was patiently at the famous Java Coffee House, along Mama Ngina Street, when I arrived half an hour late. He was not too shabby, though the puffery over him was somewhat exaggerated and unnecessary. Needless to say, the learned fella did not make a fuss about my lateness, although I was quick to apologies for it. “I have no expectations on this date”  is what the learned gentleman insistently chimed at the onset of our meeting, low-key letting me know that I should not expect a second engagement, should the initial one fail to take off, yet shockingly I was not offended at all by his remarks.

No sooner had I settled comfortably in our date, than the learned man started ranting incoherently something about his lack of faith in humanity. He kept muttering about how unfair life has been to him, and just like that, the other shoe dropped on my blue cheese sandwich. Way for the learned bloke to put a dumper on a love connection. I mean, the dude was only twenty-five years of age, yet he was groaning about his short life span, like a traumatized old geezer.

I was visibly pissed by the strange turn of events, and turned to God to ask Him why he found it humorous to pair me up with oddballs. I mean, why did I allow silly friends to talk me into blind hook-ups? Most importantly, where were all the sane mature men when I needed them? I had to stop and collect myself, before the learned chap’s lunacy rubbed on me. Needless to say, the reason for his tirade was because of his deceitful girlfriend, with whom he generously gave his heart to, along with all his other organs, only for her to do him dirty by cheating on him with her college professor. It was an awkward love triangle, whereby he was an unwilling third-party participant, yet too in love to quit.

Equally, the learned gentleman, whose name I cannot seem to remember, was so distraught by the cheating scandal that I was compelled to tap into my special skill of an emergent therapist. So, I took out my pen and notebook, to scribble all that was wrong in the life of this broken soul. Even on a blind date, I was serving humanity with my counselling skills. Unfortunately, all my recommendations went down the drain, when he decided to forgive his cheating girlfriend, by offering her a tenth chance to prove herself, for she was worth it in his eyes. Additionally, he figured that since college would soon be over, they would relocate elsewhere, far away from the professor. Yes dude, but what of her new boss or co-workers? You do know that she is attracted to men of power? I figured that the learned gent was in serious need of prayers. Besides, some people will never learn, until the green snake bites them twice. But in his case, the snake would have lost all its venom before the fellow got the point.

At the end of the date, while were taking a slow stroll and saying our goodbyes, I noticed that the learned guy was a lot heavier bodywise, a factor that made him develop enlarged breasts. I realised then of how wrong I was in my diagnosis of him. Consequently, I slowed down the more, to steal another glance at his massive chest region in disbelief that I was three cup-sizes smaller than this dude. It was no wonder that the girlfriend was cheating on him, for his enormous rack must have screwed up with her femininity, such that she decided to seek solace in the arms of another flat-chested male. Dang! The need to puff a dose of the international herb suddenly came upon on me, as I glared upon his odd bust, while the entire situation become too weird, thereby affecting my reality.