TOLBERT KAMNYWESO

 TOLBERT KAMNYWESO

If audacity was a person, then it would have to be one Tolbert Kamnyweso, the Don Juan extraordinaire. Rumour has it that his mother was granted a wish fourty five years ago, by a mermaid, of birthing a unique male child with special abilities. Nine months into the alleged prophesy, out came Tolbert Kamnyweso, the world’s most serial monogamist this side of the Sahara. It is not certain what his life purpose was meant to be but in his pompous opinion, Tolbert’s greatest life-long vision is to cast his love net wide, and make a great catch of the most beautiful women, whether it be by hook or crook.

Indeed, women are both a gift and a sport to Tolbert Kamnyweso, what with his great looks, suave moves, and mystic words, play a magical role of swopping them off their pretty feet and landing them in the devil’s dungeon hook, line, and sinker. This smooth operator is more than ever determined to draw as many ladies as he can onto his love boat. What’s more, this lady killer believes that he is rendering a service to humanity, by taking on the challenge of helping the lasses to feel loved, because somewhat the male species is dwindling by the day. As a result, he does not want the ladies to loose out on experiencing love, as long as he is alive and well able to conjure up love moments, albeit for momentary satisfaction.

Nonetheless, trust this kahuna not to commit to anything or anyone. It is always a hard hit and miss with Tolbert, for he does not stick around long enough to get caught up in emotional sentiments. Once he hunts down his prey and grants them a dose of his love and affection, he quickly moves on to his next target, even before the thrill of the chase simmers. In short, you will catch Tolbert dead before he commits to any living thing, be it a plant or an animal.

What’s more, Tolbert Kamnyweso hates the idea of being labelled as a boyfriend, husband or partner, for these general titles limit his potentiality to be generous with the ladies. Instead, he prefers the title of a lover, which makes him feel complete and tapped into his self-imposed life purpose. Moreover, a great hunter this Kamnyweso is. His hobby is to traverse all races and cultures of diverse women. He is an all time lover, never picky but especially prefers spring chicken, though does not mind to affiliate himself with cougars, for love is love, and he for one is determined to let his love shine throughout the world.

Addicted to muscle shirts, Levi jeans, and a myriad of women, the free-spirited wayward Casanova, has no remorse nor regrets about his womanizing ways. Actually, it is all about absolute freedom with Tolbert. Take everything from him but never his will to live freely and uninhibited. Never you try to push Tolbert into a relationship, for he will choke to death with the idea of rings, vows, and contracts that have the ability to bind him to a dark corner. He cannot even commit to living with and caring for a pet, let alone a full grown woman. The idea of always and forever is to Tolbert like being confined in a prison, without a safe outlet, something which he runs and hides from.

One beautiful siren had once tried to condition Tolbert into holy matrimony, by promising him that she can be every woman for him, yet soon as she uttered the word forever to his hearing, than Tolbert bolted out of that potential relationship for good. Perhaps it is how she said it that made him cringe with fear of missing out on philandering with other beautiful souls. Better yet, maybe it was the future part of being tied down long-term to one individual that made him sick to his stomach.

Equally, his family encourages him to enter into a polygamous liaison, if that will get him to settle down and have a family, still Tolbert is adamant of being single until the day God releases him from his assignment. He also not pressed on having children, although his desire is to have as many as he possibly can, when the time is right. At fourty five years of age, Tolbert is convinced that his youth is still intact and has more years to live out his purpose before tapping into fatherhood.

Needless to say, Tolbert is persuaded that his alter-ego is fighting to keep him in singletude by messing with his mental faculties. Therefore, he feels the need to engage the services of those beautiful female prophetesses, if only to rid him of his obsessions. Nonetheless, as an outsider looking into the life of this lothario, I would recommend a serious hypnosis therapy, coupled with an equally heavy spiritual cleanse, and a couple of priestly exorcists to drive out the demons from Tolbert, and keep his sensuality in check.

Do you know men of Tolbert’s kind? please like, share and subscribe to this blog, for future readings.

WHEN SNOW WHITE TRANSFORMS INTO BLACK RAIN

 

WHEN SNOW WHITE TRANSFORMS INTO BLACK RAIN

I had a mind to call our nubian version of Snow White as Black Snow but I figured that it would not make much sense, since snow is a rare occurrence on this side of the Sahara. Also, this famous tale would best be located in West Africa, home to the greatest of empires known to man, whereby there is abundant sun and lush equatorial rain forests, well suited for Black Rain to embody her royal character. Besides, Africans worldwide will cordially connect, and happily relate to my recount of this ancient fairy tale.

Soon as the Snow White narrative landed in sixteenth century Africa, it would have immediately morphed into a folklore, for conservative Africans did not believe in fairies. What’s more, any imaginary creatures, animalistic cryptids or wired-looking humanoids with wings on their back, would automatically be rendered as evil spirits, and therefore frighteningly considered to be abominable. Furthermore, there was no way our forefathers would have personal interactions with fairy beings, without catching a mental case. Besides, it is not in our negro nature to interact freely with aliens.

Black Rain would never have been an only child of her mother. In fact, I do believe she would have had at least ten blood brothers and sisters. Yet, even if she happened to be an only child, I bet you that her father, the king, would have had several wives, mistresses, concubines, girlfriends and a multitude of side pieces. Therefore, the ebony princess would have had a village full of siblings, regardless of whether they were step or half-related. Hence, she would have never been or felt lonely a day in her life.

Similarly, the wicked step-mother’s place in the story plot would have been somewhat misplaced, because Black Rain would have had numerous fair-looking queen step-mothers, for African kings were known to acquire only the most beautiful of princesses in other kingdoms. Consequently, these queens would have been at war with each other, dismissing Black Rain as a mere child, and overlooking her as a valid competition in matters of beauty and fairness.

What of the magic mirror? I bet you that only the king’s Seer would be in possession of anything that was believed to be magical. Besides, were there any existing mirrors in pre-colonial Africa? Our ancestors were fond of gazing inside water pools, when they wanted to catch a glimpse of their reflections. Needless to say, it was not a regular practice for our antecedents to stare at themselves, for they already knew how fearfully and wonderfully made they were.

Likewise, the huntsman would never have been around Black Rain long enough to lure her into the woods, because as a peasant and a lowly servant, he would never have been in the presence of any royal subject. Moreover, the huntsman would have never come close to Black Rain, for she would have always been in the company of; her step-queen mothers, siblings, palace guards, maids, servants, and the gods, keeping watch over the royal household.

Additionally, the sacred vows that the huntsman would have taken, in order to serve the king would have paralyzed him from taking on such a dangerous assignment of terminating a royal princess. Even if the huntsman was able to pull a hijack, kidnap, and manage to kill Black Rain, then trust the services of the dark priests, wizards, warlocks, sorcerers, mediums, seers, and any sort of oracle within the kingdom, to trace the huntsman and fry him like roast beef at the stake. I tell you that this one task given to the huntsman by a jealous step-queen mother, would have him running to the hills and never looking back.

Then there is the question of the seven dwarfs. In primordial Africa, dwarfs were known to be a special breed of humans, who were posted to the service of any living oracle. They were recruited by the gods to serve as helping hands to priests, sort of like how the elves work for Santa clause. Hence, it would have been an abomination for the dwarfs to have any sort of communication with any royal subject. No sooner than the dwarfs came into contact with the nubian princess, than they would called the priest to deal with that awkward situation. Forget Black Rain cooking and cleaning for the dwarfs, because they would not have allowed her into their cabin in the woods, for fear of committing sacrilege.

What of prince charming, the gentleman who swoops in to save the day? In primitive Africa, Black Rain would have never been a damsel in distress. She would already perfected her combat experience, as women of primitive Africa were skilled warriors, who battled alongside men for territorial invasions and domination. Besides, the black princess would have already been engaged as an infant, to another royal infantile prince, from a kingdom far away.

In actuality, there was nothing like stolen kisses or secret love affairs behind the bushes for African royals in ancestral Africa. Only the regular folks would have gotten away with bush romance, as they were not living under a microscope of royal scrutiny. Equally, as teenager, the nubian princess would have already been considered ripe for a royal union, and best believe that her step-queen mothers would have been the ones pulling her hurriedly down the aisle, if only to get rid of her and eliminate any sort of unforeseeable competition.

Lastly, a happily ever after was never portrayed in any historical African folklore. To be completely honest, old-fashioned Africans valued food, shelter, health, wealth, and freedom from slavery more than perpetual happiness. On the practical side of real life, we can say that the prince and the princess both lived one day at a time, by the grace of God, because with epidemics such as malaria, yellow fever, pneumonia, among other tropical diseases, and savage beasts plaguing equatorial Africa, a happily ever after would have been a foggy dream. Do you now see why the Snow White story line would not fit within an African setting?

 

 

SIR, PLEASE BEWARE OF MISS DELILAH

 

SIR, PLEASE BEWARE OF MISS DELILAH

So, you prefer Delilah to Sara? You do believe that Sara is a boring plain Jane church girl, who cannot not tickle your fancy or ignite a fiery passion within you. Instead, you prefer that sultry seductress, who loves to bend your mind and break your heart. You do not mind if she tears you in pieces, just as long as she carries the pieces of you with her.

Yet, with all her villain potency, Delilah is not your type, and neither is she on your level. She prefers dragons to angels, a fact which you cannot change, even if you tried to. In your wildest fantasy, you wish that Sara would embody Delilah, yet you know too well that if wishes were horses, Delilah would never beg you to ride her coattail a day in your life. Infact, she hates your guts and no matter how many times you throw money at her, you know that she has her sights set on the flaming dragons.

Nonetheless, Sara is your perfect match. Actually, Sara is the female version of you; modest, educated, noveau riche, and average. Moreover, Sara loves you and wants to be with you. She is nurturing and a perfect specimen of a wife she will be for you. But do not keep her waiting for too long, as Gabriel has his eyes on her as well, desiring of an angel like him to settle down with. On the contrary, Delilah will not cook, clean or mess up her bloody claws for your comfort. Your mother will also not approve of Delilah, because she is pretty much disgusted by her deadly ambitions, and therefore would rather die fighting the she-devil, than watch you throw your life away to the dogs.

What’s more, Delilah is an alpha female, a femme fatal, capable of taking over the world. She will run you down, on her way to victory, and not feel sorry about it. Yet, you insist on extending your cup of love to her. Why would you, when clearly know of her destructive ways? Delilah is accepting of who she is, a cold-hearted rebel, who will not change for you or anybody else. Similarly, you cannot change enough to embody her traits, even if you wanted to. Death will be the outcome of you trying to commit your love to the devil. Sir, are you a sucker for pain? Because when Delilah finally sucks you dry and takes you to the cleaners, pain will be part of your everyday life.

On contraire, I just know that Sara is the one for you. She is your true soulmate, and you both are a match made in heaven. Equally, she is the divine connection you have always prayed for, and God has approved of your love for one another. Together, you are the most beautiful people on the planet, and together you will conquer and change the world. Additionally, there is nothing you will not achieve with Sara by your side. She will slay monsters on your behalf, and push Delilah back into the underworld, where she rightfully belongs. Yet, how can she fight Delilah, when you keep pining obsessively over her? Sir, do you still wish for that perfect life of abundance, with healthy children, two Rottweilers, and a family house with a picket fence? Then Sara is who you need to make your vision become a reality.

Nonetheless, should you remain lustful over Delilah and adamant to have her for keeps, then prepare for a lifetime of drama-filled adventures, coupled with a series of unfortunate events. Also, forget about having kids, because Delilah will never bend out of shape to birth your little nappy-headed rascals. But should you insist on having her for a wife, just know that you will not be the only one she will be rocking with. Seriously, help me to understand your fascination with Delilah. What does she have that Sara is lacking? She is just a woman as Sara, only less cultured. I am certain that it was not her looks and brains that draw you to her, for Sara is more of a beautiful genius.

Needless to say, you can forget about having both parties for wives, for even you know that your aspiration to have it all is a tall order and wishful thinking. Besides, it will be a cold day in hell before the two ladies will allow you to share their essences. Yet, I will not fault you for being a dreamer, for life is but a dream. Anyway, I will respect your wishes, bow out of your business, and learn to mind my own, as soon as your common senses start to function normally, for there is no way you are choosing the devil over an angel. Yet, why would you listen to me? I will instead step aside, and let experience be your greatest teacher.

HONEY! DON’T EVER LET YOURSELF GET PLAYED!!..

 

HONEY! DON’T EVER LET YOURSELF GET PLAYED!!..

Relationships need not to be complex whatsoever. As a matter of fact, they just require an equal give and take for both parties, in order to make them blissful. However, trust some people to make relationships all about them, always demanding for something, yet never giving anything in return. In the end, you are left feeling utterly oppressed, suppressed, and depressed by love. Consequently, resentment will creep up on you, feeling you with killer vibes, enough to want to choke a negro to death. You may not believe it but this is how serial killers are created, by selfish individuals who are hell-bent on eating their cake and having it.

Like I mentioned earlier, complicated relationships are so because we at times allow our romantic interests to pull us into them, by use of manipulative tactics. Everytime I see a Facebook status that reads “It’s complicated”, I feel like weeping for my dear sisters. Again, a love connection is problematic, because unbeknownst to you, a player has pulled a game on you, in order to lead you down the desperate path of servitude for their sake, while not caring a bag of beans for you.

I speak strongly to my beautiful ladies when I say that the next time that heart-breaker puts you in some sort a wild goose chase for his love and affection, then take it as a queue to leave him out in the cold. I mean, pretend that he expired, entirely ignore his existence and move on to greater things, for this life is too short to be wasting it on vile womanizer. Besides, there are other bigger and better fish to fry, of which are awaiting your time and presence. Otherwise, how else will you find your noble steed, if you keep gallivanting with a hood rat?

Now, you already know that your part-time lover hates the boundaries you have erected, in order to deny him access into your space. He is also a smooth operator who is not willing to commit to you, neither does he plan on leaving you alone. Therefore, expect a disingenuous apology from him which sounds more like this, “Let us start all over. You know that we belong together, and you are the only one I want.” My rebuttal to this utter nonsense would be as follows, “Would you like us to start this emotional manipulation and abuse all over? And if we belong together, then why are we never together? And do you really want to be with me or am I one of your groupies? Do not fall for this trickster, for all he knows is how to play mind games with you. Infact, do not dignify his indecent proposal with an answer. Once again, keep ignoring him as if he were a ghost, move on up to your destined life, and leave that joker where he belongs, in the mud pond where you found him tricking with his fellow frogs, toads, rats, and snakes.

Nonetheless, I bet you know that it is going to take more than solid boundaries, accompanied with the silent treatment to take that leech off your back, for you know that his manhood is at stake, if he fails to take you down in the struggle for unrequited love. Remember that at this point, your part-time lover is becoming more vulnerable whenever you resist his charms, when you do not pay him any attention, and when your silence makes his ears to bleed, causing his insecurities to rear their ugly heads. Hence, this is a crucial phase, whereby that serial monogamist will make an emotional confession, a well-calculated power move, designed to pull your heart strings that are meant keep his position in your life. With crocodile tears in his eyes, this actor will drop a love dose on you like this, “I admit that I was not sure of my feelings for you before but now I am certain that I love you, and I am ready and willing to do anything for you.”

This is the part where you are required to use your logic and not your emotions. If his past actions do not match with his current words, then you already know what to do ladies. Besides, where was this show of love when you needed it? My dear sister, I insist that you leave that boy alone, if you wish to live a peaceful life. Kick that opportunist to the curb and be done with him for good this time round. However, if your kicks are not strong enough to wade off this philanderer, then hit that freak show  with this line, “The problem is not with you but with me, because I am too good for you, and I want to be with someone on my level.” Well, this line sounds very crass even for your modest self but do not worry at all, for even Casanovas have their feelings hurt once in a while. Therefore, do not feel sorry for taking the low road, in order to challenge a frenemy.

But incase the above punch line does not work on this prankster away from you, then you have my permission to claw that time-waster’s face with your freshly done manicures, for leading you on to an emotional rollercoaster. After botching his face, please feel free to release the dogs on him. All in all, let that liar go dear and watch your life change for the better.

 

OF BLIND DATES AND POTENTIAL PARTNERS; THE MOST BIZARRE BLIND DATE I HAVE EVER BEEN ON...

 

OF BLIND DATES AND POTENTIAL PARTNERS; THE MOST BIZARRE BLIND DATE I HAVE EVER BEEN ON...

Of all the dates I have ever been on, a blind date was by far the most peculiar. You see, in my twenties, I was determined to live life to the fullest, and since I was vibrant, charged up and full of youthful energy, there was no stopping my ambitions to meet up with beautiful people who were livid like I was. Therefore, every friend in my circle was dying to partner me up with their handsome friends, a thing I did not mind, seeing as I was spring chicken back then. Oh, how I reminisce of those golden days, whereby social media was a new concept in the market, which people were not so curious about. At the time, I was a proud owner of a Nokia 3310 phone, which was a cause for commotion in my social life, a gadget that made me feel very much in tune with the technological world.

A dear friend of mine, once upon a time, decided to hook me up on a blind date, with one of her learned  friends, who she thought was a brilliant match for me. At first, I was skeptical of blind dates, since I was not eager to date total strangers, besides wanting to fly solo but she nagged and insisted upon it for weeks, such that I reluctantly agreed to it, just so that I could get her off my back. What’s more, the way she constantly praised the potential guy, one would think that he was an extra-terrestrial from planet mars, with superman-like qualities. According to my bosom buddy, I was a perfect fit for him, and since she had my consent, she did not waste time on hooking us up. Her learned friend then called me up, to ask me out on a blind date, of which I obliged.

The due day approached and I made sure to spruce myself up for the highly anticipated rendezvous, of  course with all combat rules of engagement tucked up my sleeve. Anyhow, I was fashionably late for my date, which in Nairobi is practically acceptable, if you consider the everyday traffic jam that slowly moves into the city centre, forcing the matatu I was in to drop me way off my designated stage, and consequently making me to walk a long mile before I could make it to my appointment. Also, at this moment in time, bodabodas had not yet been invented, however this is not an excuse as to why I was late for a romantic date, though it kind of looks like it. Nonetheless, bear with me dear reader and try not to judge me, ok?

Anyhow, the hyped up handsome learned friend was patiently at the famous Java Coffee House, along Mama Ngina Street, when I arrived half an hour late. He was not too shabby, though the puffery over him was somewhat exaggerated and unnecessary. Needless to say, the learned fella did not make a fuss about my lateness, although I was quick to apologies for it. “I have no expectations on this date”  is what the learned gentleman insistently chimed at the onset of our meeting, low-key letting me know that I should not expect a second engagement, should the initial one fail to take off, yet shockingly I was not offended at all by his remarks.

No sooner had I settled comfortably in our date, than the learned man started ranting incoherently something about his lack of faith in humanity. He kept muttering about how unfair life has been to him, and just like that, the other shoe dropped on my blue cheese sandwich. Way for the learned bloke to put a dumper on a love connection. I mean, the dude was only twenty-five years of age, yet he was groaning about his short life span, like a traumatized old geezer.

I was visibly pissed by the strange turn of events, and turned to God to ask Him why he found it humorous to pair me up with oddballs. I mean, why did I allow silly friends to talk me into blind hook-ups? Most importantly, where were all the sane mature men when I needed them? I had to stop and collect myself, before the learned chap’s lunacy rubbed on me. Needless to say, the reason for his tirade was because of his deceitful girlfriend, with whom he generously gave his heart to, along with all his other organs, only for her to do him dirty by cheating on him with her college professor. It was an awkward love triangle, whereby he was an unwilling third-party participant, yet too in love to quit.

Equally, the learned gentleman, whose name I cannot seem to remember, was so distraught by the cheating scandal that I was compelled to tap into my special skill of an emergent therapist. So, I took out my pen and notebook, to scribble all that was wrong in the life of this broken soul. Even on a blind date, I was serving humanity with my counselling skills. Unfortunately, all my recommendations went down the drain, when he decided to forgive his cheating girlfriend, by offering her a tenth chance to prove herself, for she was worth it in his eyes. Additionally, he figured that since college would soon be over, they would relocate elsewhere, far away from the professor. Yes dude, but what of her new boss or co-workers? You do know that she is attracted to men of power? I figured that the learned gent was in serious need of prayers. Besides, some people will never learn, until the green snake bites them twice. But in his case, the snake would have lost all its venom before the fellow got the point.

At the end of the date, while were taking a slow stroll and saying our goodbyes, I noticed that the learned guy was a lot heavier bodywise, a factor that made him develop enlarged breasts. I realised then of how wrong I was in my diagnosis of him. Consequently, I slowed down the more, to steal another glance at his massive chest region in disbelief that I was three cup-sizes smaller than this dude. It was no wonder that the girlfriend was cheating on him, for his enormous rack must have screwed up with her femininity, such that she decided to seek solace in the arms of another flat-chested male. Dang! The need to puff a dose of the international herb suddenly came upon on me, as I glared upon his odd bust, while the entire situation become too weird, thereby affecting my reality.

NOWADAYS, LOVE IS FOR THE BIRDS

 

NOWADAYS, LOVE IS SEEMINGLY FOR THE BIRDS

I am fully convinced that human beings have no idea of what love is. We have some sort of idea of what love could be, yet ask any random person to give you a brief definition of what love is, and you will wish that you did not ask them at all. Love sounds like hard labour to many, while for others, love is fleeting and almost non-existent. However, there is a special breed of people who have never experienced love, and therefore would not know it, even if it hit them straight in the face. According to them, love is a utopian ideology that exists only in the heads of romanticists.

What’s more, traditional ways of love greatly differs from the modern ways of love. For example, the way our grandparents expressed their love to each other was barely visible, to almost non-existent. Our fore-fathers and mothers barely spoke to each other, let alone communicate love to one another. Their love was so microscopic that it was rarely seen, and perhaps by some sort of a miracle, when the two love birds accidentally showed their love in public, they would almost immediately hide the emotion, soon as it creeped out of their love nest. It was as if they were forbidden to show love in public. Hence, love became such a private affair for our grand-folks, and so hidden that even our parents struggled to identify love, for it seemed as though they were not aware of its colour. As a result, we were also not privy to what love was, and consequently strive to understand it.

Though, not so for the millennials. They seem to be borne lovers, who do not mind parading their emotions in the open, and not shy of expressing their sentiments openly to one another. I do not know how they came to the knowledge of love. Conceivably, their understanding of love differs from what my generation understood love to be, hence what they believe is love, they are not shy of embracing, as well as demonstrating it. Thank God for the new age technology, which has granted us access to loads on information as to what love is or could be. With technology comes the freedom to love and freely love, without shame. Today, anything goes, for it is a free world, and as long as love feels right to you, then it is good for you.

Yet, I do believe that love is experienced more and in truancy with the birds. Only the birds know the true meaning of love, always chirping endlessly, without a care in the world. Surely, it must be love that triggers their happy state or is it just my imagination? I believe that God has let the birds of the air in on the secret to true love and happiness. Maybe the birds already know how time plays out on their cycle of life, and as a result, they are always elated with each passing moment. Perhaps the secret to true love is letting go of everything and letting God take charge of it all. True love elevates and makes one to spread their wings and fly, just like the birds of the sky. Hence, if the above is true, then why do humans battling to understand, find, and keep love? The concept of love sounds so simple, yet so complex, especially when it comes to its implementation.

On the contrary, love to the millennials is based on how they feel in the present moment. Their love heightens and dwindles depending on how they momentarily feel. Hence, you cannot hold on to their version of love, as it is fickle and tends to fade away with the drop of a hat. Consequently, you will always end up broken and confused, while holding on to this new age love. Unlike the millennial love, ancestral love was not verbalized much, yet its actions were strong, consistent, as well as durable. However, millennial love goes with the flow of the moment in time.

Actually, this is my perception of the new-age love. Nowadays, the letter L in love stands for, “Look dude, I can love who I want to love. Therefore, it is either you accept me for who I am, or hit the road Jack and don’t you come back no more.” This kind of tumultuous love affair is so shifty and unbalanced, such that you cannot trust yourself to be in it. It is like the moment you start to believe that you are in sync with your love interest, that is when the other shoe drops, and you find yourself tempest-tossed, and drifting ashore due to turbulent love.

The letter O in love is for, “Oh, so you think you can love me, then leave me? Ok, we shall see.” This murderous-type of relationship stems from the earlier mentioned kind of a love connection, whereby fatal attraction is end game. I bet you that at first, you never see it coming when it suddenly catches you off-guard, and particularly so when life insecurities, accompanied by mental problems start to slowly creep up on your beloved partner, who is convinced that you are out to burn them.

The letter V in love stands for, “Vindictive is my middle name. So, if I cannot have your love, then no one can.” Need I say more to this entrapment? When you get to experience this kind of a snare, it is only God that can save you from such a terrible burden. Otherwise, to survive this twist of fate, you must run for your life and never look back, should you wish to see another day.

To conclude, the letter E in love resonates with, “Everyone is afraid of love." This rings true in everyone’s ear, for this is our mentality when it comes to the quest for love. Perhaps, our horrid past experiences with love pose as our greatest challenge to us having to commit ourselves fully to it. Thus, we should retrace our steps back to the one who orchestrated this love thing, and ask Him for the blueprint. Maybe then, we can learn more of love, commit to it, and pass it down to our offspring.

OF BLIND DATES AND POTENTIAL PARTNERS; RULES QUEENS SHOULD FOLLOW WHEN ON A BLIND DATE

 OF BLIND DATES AND POTENTIAL PARTNERS; RULES QUEENS SHOULD FOLLOW WHEN ON A BLIND DATE

To all you woke new age single ladies, listen up, while I dish out golden nuggets designed to help you survive blind dates, and possibly find your future partners, without sweating the small staff or jumping over hurdles to get to your happily ever after. So, swallow these nuggets presented to you, in order not to end up regretting futuristic love fails. The choice is yours, thus choose wisely. But without further ado, here is a quick rundown of the rules a lady should keep, when embarking on a blind date.

Ladies, do not anticipate anything while on a blind date, no matter how excited you are. While you are at it, just hope for the best but also expect the worst of it. Likewise, should your blind date turn out to be an earth angel, then by all means count yourself lucky, and make sure to healthily stick to them until forever. However, if you come across a nut job with cross-eyes, I seriously recommend that you leave quietly, block his number, whisper a prayer of gratitude, and pretend that you never met him a day in your life. Like I said, while on a blind date, hope for the best but expect the worst.

The real question remains, who is hooking you up with a blind date? It better not be some random friend you barely know, that you casually allow them introduce you to a serial killer. On the contrary, if your mother got you the hook-up, then politely oblige her and go, before her seasonal hypertension kicks in. Moreover, you may also trust your pastor to set you up on a rendezvous, although tread with caution here, for rumour has it that church folks are just as grimy as the heathen. Hence, no matter who connects you to a blind date, let discernment carry you throughout the date.

Additionally, time factor is of paramount importance, when it comes to setting up an appointment. Any dude asking to go out on a date with you on a Monday morning, is a jobless individual, unless he runs his own business, or has taken a leave of absence from his regular job. Similarly, do not take it lightly when a guy requests that you meet up for a date at three o’clock in the morning, during the witching hour. Instead, respond by asking him to follow you to church for a vigil at the same hour, and watch for his reaction. Yet, whatever you decide to do, do not fall for the illusion of thinking that it is cute for a guy to call you after midnight, requesting for a blind date like a vampire would. Ladies, always remember, safety first.

Further, confirm the location of the set date ahead of time. “Where are you taking me for lunch?” is the appropriate question to ask your blind date, a day before the due date. Otherwise, he may drag you downtown Nairobi, across the Haile Selassie avenue, for a special treat of chips funga and kuku pono that costs less than those in midtown. There, you will have no choice but to either stand amidst numerous customers, the traffic noise and air pollution, while you down the crusty meal or you can excuse yourself from the embarrassment, by lying to your date that you are on a three-day dry fast, and leave it at that. Nonetheless, do not be angry at the guy for trying, because it may just be all he could afford, with the end month being round the corner, and besides, at least he was a gentleman about it.

What’s more, if you find yourself on a blind date with an older male, I will suggest that you please leave the sugar daddy alone, unless you want all your teeth to fall out from root magic, courtesy of his overly possessive ex-wife. Always say no to elderly men, and duck everytime they cast their net toward you. However, I know that some of you might dismiss this warning but do not come crawling back to me, requesting me to point you toward the direction of Loliondo, to seek treatment for a mysterious illness, when trouble comes knocking at your door. In the end, you will only have yourself to blame dear.

Furthermore, a smart casual dress-code is recommended, for a blind date. Mini skirts, micro dresses, booty shorts, and tube tops are for ratchets and not for women of substance. In short, let your fashion match your intelligent quotient, enough for the guy to want to tap more into your brain power than tag under your skirt. Moreover, make the guy value your mind more than your pout red lips and vibrating thighs. Afterall, you have at least ten more years for you to transform from a spring chicken to roast beef.  Therefore, make use of your brain more, meanwhile your luscious body generate solid bonus points in your honour.

Similarly, when it comes to paying the bills for the meals consumed on any type of a date, your policy in life should be as follows, “It is not my place to interfere with the tradition of the gentleman’s place to pick up the tab, for I am a lady who respects traditions.” Unless that man has asked that you chip in and pay the bill, do not ever volunteer your precious coins, even if you wish to. Otherwise, you will make him feel emasculated, if you keep swiping your black card in front of his face. Look, I know you can afford to pay for your meals dear, yet give the man a chance to shine too, by not casting a shadow over his manhood. So, take one for the team, and act like a damsel for once in your life, to guard his self-respect.

On the other hand, lay off the selfies, while on a blind date. You reek of desperation, when you go about plastering your private life all over social media, for the public to digest, Besides, you may loose your sight from constantly flashing light on to your face. For once in your life, keep your phone on silent and off the table, and have a decent conversation with a fellow human being. Lastly, do not random-text the poor man, immediately after the date. Rather, allow the food to reach his bowels, before you can bombard him text messages. Infact, give him the chance to text you first, and perhaps ask you out on a second date.

 

OF BLIND DATES AND POTENTIAL PARTNERS; RULES KINGS SHOULD FOLLOW WHEN ON A BLIND DATE

 OF BLIND DATES AND POTENTIAL PARTNERS; RULES KINGS SHOULD FOLLOW WHEN ON A BLIND DATE

Young and decent single lads ought pride themselves in learning on how to make any date memorable. The rules of engagement are the same for both counterparts, yet I will extricate more for the male folk, as they also need maximum protection, especially when dealing with new potential partners. Yes, you are men and yes, you can protect yourselves but still, I do believe that prevention is better than a cure. Having proclaimed a retraction, let us drive straight into the subject matter.

First off, pick a decent location for the date, excluding your house, unless you desire to get robbed in broad daylight. Also, choose not your local kiosk, unless you want be a bachelor for the rest of your days. You know well and good that mama mboga will spill all your tea, literally trying to fight you because of the two hundred bob you owe her, as well as metaphorically tell all your business to every gossiper around town. As well, do not even think of parading your blind date around your neighbourhood, where both your boys and exes equally collide in one famous hot spot, because you already know that your favourite base is a den full of drama, and equally a recipe for disaster. In the same way, whatever you do, please avoid inviting your blind date to your parent’s house, on account of that is a creepy move even for you. Likewise, do not dare take your blind date to a sports bar, convenient enough for you to watch your favourite game, unless she is also a football fan, of which I highly doubt.

Instead, locate a nice and cosy location, where the scenery is posh and the ambience is just right for a smooth conversation, mixed with cool sultry music, accompanied by mouth-watering dishes, as you relax and observe her pleasant demeanour throughout the entire engagement. Best of all, show up in time, before she arrives on the scenery, or better yet, pick her up from her place of residence, and drive her to the picturesque spot. Otherwise, you will find another guy chatting up your potential wife, and all because you broke your watch, thereby could not keep time.

Another way to shine bright on a blind date, is to smell good. I urge you brother man to invest in a douche body wash, a designer cologne, or anything that leaves you smelling like a million bob. Else, nobody wants to inhale your natural musk, for your body sweat stinks. Comparably, pick up the tab, at the end of your date. That means, pay the bill. You must, for it is the gentleman’s way of letting her know that you care for her. Even if she orders for three full course meals, give her a handsome smile, offset the bill, before you quietly ghost her for good.

But whatever you do, do not request for a night cup on the first date, for your blind date could be a dark priestess, out on a prowl for her next organ victim. Therefore, be very mindful of your very life, else that highly anticipated night cap will be the very trap needed to take you out for good, and the day would be your last seen alive. Consequently, your organs will be found across the border, on their way to their new owner. Hence, be careful, and move real slow, for your own good.

While on a blind date, act intelligent. Do not tell stupid jokes that will get you blocked. Nobody wants to hear about MCA Tricky in between a scrumptious meal. No offense Tricky. You are hilarious. So, you are good at pottery and ceramics? Spare her the details, for she will crack her teeth with boredom. Also, do not tell her about your frat boy days. Rather, keep it a buck and interesting by letting her speak instead, if your stories veer on being sordid. Trust me, you will thank me in the future.

Equally, do not promise to buy her the earth, moon and stars, because you cannot afford these earth elements, as they are freely given to us by God Almighty. Besides, where are the rest of us supposed to live or move to, when you purchase the whole earth? There is no need for going all out for a blind date. At least take her on a second date, before you start making promises to her, which you should keep, hence she will regard you as a liar, and thus hastily dismiss you.

After a blissful date, send her a sweet text, after the date. Do not keep her waiting or make her second-guess your intentions toward her. Rather, thrive in being open and honest, instead of playing juvenile games, that will ruin your chances of securing a great and solid relationship.

Should you be open for a second date, let her know. Infact, text these words to her, “Hey, listen I had such a great time, that I am open for another date. Maybe we can plan for a second meet up. Let me  know whether you feel the same way.” I bet you that her response will just be as magnetic, with maximum enthusiasm. However, if you do not want a second date, then communicate kindly but not, “It is not you, its me. I am too good for you.” This type of egotistical response makes you a douche bag.

To conclude, go on a second date but make it more interesting than the first date. However, let the lady decide when next she would like to meet up with you. Still, keep an on-going regular communication, without the stalker energy rubbing on her free will. But in whatever you do, slow down your horses and permit me to breath fresh air, not mixed with your energy, before asking her out on a third date. Damn!

 

 

 

DETOX 102 FOR THE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED; HOW TO DODGE THE TOXIC EX-FACTOR

 DETOX 102 FOR THE DIVORCED OR SEPARATED; HOW TO DODGE THE TOXIC EX-FACTOR

While a single person can unceremoniously exit from the life of a past lover, it is not that easy for those who were once paired in holy matrimony, to permanently call it quits. What’s more, it is even harder to dodge toxic ex-partners, especially when children, joint business ventures or properties are involved. For this reason, we will have to dive deep in to some of the most fierce Jujitsu combat moves, in order to escape these hell-hole types of situationships, so help us Lord!

But before then, let me put out disclaimer for you all. Actually, I am not a counselling psychologist, and neither am I a therapist. Therefore, I may not be an expert on this touchy subject, since I have never been in a legal matrimonial bind. However, I have had a fare share of toxic cycles to last me lifetime. Thus, I can relate with most of you contending with former wicked partners. By the same token, I can speak of those solid examples of wise people known to me, who have conquered the battle with the nefarious and lived to tell of their story of how they prevailed and became victorious.

Now that we are in sync, allow me to proceed and give you my two cents on this delicate matter. For both the divorced and separated individuals, you must create a safe space for your own sanity. Moreover, you need to keep your distance, as well as effect strong boundaries around you, in order to escape your dangerous ex-partner, the one who does not understand the meaning of privacy. Also, block these individuals from your phones and your social media, if you want to lead a peaceful life, otherwise, there will be hell to pay, should you allow your toxic ex-partner to run wild and free at your expense. Afterall, they are a bygone for all the wrong reasons. Remember to always call, text  or e-mail when you need to or have to but keep it real short and professional.

Another power move for those divorced or separated from your karmic partners, is to make people, places, and things of authority your friends. Do you know of any security guards, chiefs, sub-chiefs, police officers, General Service Unit and Kenya Defense Force soldiers, lawyers or even judges? Make the aforementioned individuals your best friends, if you desire a harmonious life, otherwise your reckless baby mother will deal ruthlessly with you. Hence, if you cannot handle her sinister tactics, get the court to stand between the two of you, for peace to reign. Similarly, if you have a dodgy baby father, then make the court your best friend, and watch how untroubled your dealings will be.

As for your children, you will have to be the bigger person, and since you cannot take back the hands of time, perseverance is key, as far as co-parenting is concerned. You have to kill your ego, swallow your pride, tame your tounge, spend more of your time and money, fast and pray, and whatever else you have to do, for the sake of your innocent children. It will not be a walk in the park on this one, nevertheless, think first about the children, before you do anything rush or stupid against your vindictive ex-spouse, as a juvenile move on your part, is bound to backfire on you.

How about the shared properties? Again, for the sake of law and order, let the court decide for the both of you, and be amicable when it comes to sharing. Do not overly fight for material things like your entire life depended upon them. Rather, be the gentleman God called you to be, by granting a share of your wealth to your ungrateful ex-wife, and making your children heirs to your remaining portions of your riches. On the contrary, do not drag an ex-wife to court, because of her affluence. Rather, man up and go find your own gold, and leave hers alone, for she has young ones to fend for. Nonetheless, if you do not have children, then you are allowed to engage in full-on warfare.

Incase your ex comes up with a reconciliatory master plan, I urge you to trade with caution. Do not fall for any trickery, for it may just be a ruse to suck you back into their everyday drama. Besides, who wants to continuously be in a vicious cycle of never-ending conflict? That is what will happen to you, incase you are contemplating on going back into the devil’s den. You will not only loose your self-respect but more of you time, energy, money, stability or even your very own life.

Finally, do not be so quick as to jump in a new relationship, especially with a raw and bleeding heart. Take the time to nurse the heartache. Heck, take a year off, and to travel to Bali for a soul-search, if you can afford it. Yes, even Africans are allowed to eat, pray, love once in a while, therefore do not dismiss this ingenious move as a waste of time and money. Otherwise, why else are you busy working so hard for, if not for future comfort? So, to all you who are in this very predicament, take the warning and run with it, for your own good.

DETOX 101 FOR SINGLES; HOW TO DODGE THE TOXIC EX-FACTOR

 DETOX 101 FOR SINGLES; HOW TO DODGE THE TOXIC EX-FACTOR

That awkward moment when you unintentionally bump into your lethal past, the one who tracks your every move, and never seems to take no for an answer, worry not yourself, for there are the many kung Fu methodologies to adopt your way into dodge-mode, as you flee onto everlasting freedom. Ditch, bolt, swerve, duck, run, hide, or engage whatever tactic you may think of, if only to escape the inconvenience of colliding into your ex-stalker. Do you know of that wiredo who comes into your space spreading devil energy, with a south wind blowing a tumble weed behind them, as they approach your realm? Yes, the one who churns drama into full-blown scorn effortlessly? Run from that nutcase. Meanwhile, if you cannot see the black flags waving profusely on your face, warning you to disappear from them, then permit me to boldly steer you back to safety.

This is how you overcome that cock and bull situation. As soon as the energy vampire opens their lying mouth to try and put you into a confusion spell, pretend you do not see them and hurriedly rush past them. But incase they see you approaching and you are perhaps in a company of respectable individuals, then fake-smile like your life depended upon it, exchange of stiff pleasantries, feign turmoil of having forgotten your keys or something like that, excuse yourself, retreat back toward the direction of your home, bolt the door behind you for protection, incase your past hurriedly tries to catch up with you in your present. As the sane one, you are required to think fast on your feet, before your crazy ex-factor swings their hogwash your way. I tell you, these tactics are not for the fainthearted. Thus, you must be of a brave heart, in order to endure some loonies, otherwise they will butcher your heart in cruelty and feed you to the dogs.

One particular maniac I dealt with in the recent past, would not stop trailing me. It is like the guy did not understand both verbal and non verbal cues, to save his life or mine. Moreover, when I told him that our skewed relationship needed a break, that was when he went on overdrive, and tried to choke me with unsolicited attention. I mean, he showed up wherever I went, such that I could not scratch my nose without him breathing hard on my neck, waiting to hear or see my next move. Therefore, I had to pull a Houdini, in order to save myself from the fatal attraction.

Does anyone know about fatal attraction? This is when you unknowingly embrace death with open and loving arms. Fatal attraction further numbs your intuition, all the while making your heart overactive with illusions of love and a happily ever after, despite of the glaring skeletal danger signs plastered all over your vicinity. At this stage, any demon will look like prince charming to you, particularly so when your reality is loop-sided by a spell-binding toxic connection. Nonetheless, thank God for His mercies each morning, for only He can awaken you from any foolish illusions. Anyway, back to how I managed to successfully dodge an ex factor. It really was a eureka moment for me, and just like Isaac Newton, I went straight to my social lab to create some of the most iconic ideas on how to escape from a deranged lunatic.

First off, do not panic or react in a fearful manner. Soon as you witness your former consort shape-shifts into a Loch Ness monster, this then becomes your queue to move in uttermost silence. I mean, do not even make a sound or show any emotion. All you need to do is to walk away, not leaving any footprints behind, while you whisper a prayer to God, in order for Him to help you out of the mess you got yourself into. The beauty of God is that He is not overly judgemental like your family and friends are, always putting your private business on blast. He will instead hide all your flaws, and help you escape such karmic binds.

Secondly, when you feel that the coast is clear, then run for your dear life, as fast as your feet can carry you. Further, whatever you do, do not look back into the past, because if you do, the Loch Ness monster will turn you into a pillar of salt, just like Lot’s wife in the bible. What’s more, do not mind of where you are headed just as long as you are not running back to your house, the one place that your ex-lover can easily access you. Forget about your belongings for now, and just run for cover elsewhere. If you are able to skip town, then do so, in order to escape the grip of the daredevil, one who is pressed to stalk after your precious life. However, this is a warning for you all who believe that you are able to stay on and challenge a psychopath. Unfortunately, you neither have the strength nor the capability to battle a lunatic, yet should you decide to throw caution to the wind and take your chances to fight with a lycan, do not say that I did not warn you, especially when they bite you, and turn you to be karmic like them.

Like I said earlier on, some battles belong to the Lord, therefore let go and let God help you out of this predicament. Besides, no one will accuse you of being a weakling, more so if your life is in reckless danger of a fiend. Thirdly, should you decide to relocate for your own safety and piece of mind, then more power to you. Infact, I encourage you to migrate to the remotest part of the country, just to be far away from these crazed folks, for they do not know how else to be but demented. Lastly, let your intuition guide you, when next you decide to embark on another relationship. As a matter of fact, keep your heart closed, your eyes wide open, and your ears close to the ground for safety purposes. The truth is that there are a multitude of shape-shifting entities around us, therefore, do not ignore that still small voice inside of you, either warning you of impending endangerment or encouraging you to take a lucky chance on your next conquest. All things considered, I bid all you singles Godspeed on your future romantic endeavours.