WHAT IS IN A NAME?

Some of the new age names that you modern African parents give to your children are outright bizarre. A few days ago, I was seated in a local shuttle, minding my own business, when out of the blues, comes someone’s mother screaming her child’s name that sounded something like Tritpratt or Treetpratt. My heart broke for the little boy, aware of the kind of bullying he will face his entire life, for possessing such a sordid name. I had a mind of asking his mother just where she acquired such a unique name for her son but knowing how dramatic woke mothers of generation can be, I shrugged off the thought and let it slide. Poor Treetpratt, so innocent and oblivious of the fact that his name will be his dilemma in life.

First off, pronouncing that name is a burden, not to talk of writing it. It baffles me to this day, because I am still trying to figure out the origin of that Treetpratt. With such a damning name, you already know from the onset that this child will have a challenging days ahead if him. Even his teachers will struggle to teach him both to pronounce and write it correctly. Before you know it, other mean little ones will be on him, making a mockery of his name and it gets worse in his teenage years. This is an important message to the parents of Treetpratt. You most definitely know that your relatives in the village will not be able to pronounce his name correctly. They will do their best with what their tongues will conjure up, but do not be angry when they do a re-mix to his name, for you only have yourself to blame.

Dear parents, please stop giving your children these shambolic names. Imagine there is a child out there by the name of Quinton or Trestril, which makes me wonder if these names are not the ingredients to those antimalarial drugs. Another innocent child bears the name of Xenon, as if he is an inter-galactic warrior or an anti-virus software. Perhaps I do understand more of the inspiration behind this name for young woke parents but still, Xenon sounds more appropriate for an LED printer than a human.

It is so obvious that some of you parents visited the periodic table of elements and fished out Beryllium, Bromine, Argon, and Krypton that you converted to names, which you used to baptise your children. It is not wrong to think outside the box of common names, in order to give your children unique names, yet it is not right to pick inside the table of elements, to gift your children with archaic monikers. Dear parents, I know that you wish to honour your great uncle, who was a well respected village soccer coach in the late sixties, by giving your son his name but Cromwell “Trojan” Blackman is not a fitting name for your son, for it does not match his personality or character and most importantly, it is not the will of God.

Then there are those parents who channel Afro-American names, whose origin is a bit foggy. The names; Shaniqua, Quantavia, Jonsheeka, Shaquan, Keyshawn, and TyQuan do not make any sense at all. Even you, dear parents, have no idea where these names were concocted from. You only like them because they sound foreign, and more so because they are black-oriented, therefore you feel affiliated with them.

Most of us belonging to the older generation, are also known to carry some of the most colourful names the world over. With names like Truphena, Abscondita, Aquila, Erastus, Eutychus, Archippus, among many, we were baptised into Christianity. Believe it or not but some of you parents were named by your former Caucasian parish priests. Your folks had no clue what white man’s name to give you, soon as you were born, therefore they sort the cancel of their local white priest, who gladly picked out a name of a revered deceased saint, to bless you with. For others, your names came straight from the New Testament, therefore, you are as much a Greco-Roman, as you are African.

I once asked my mother why she named me Beatrice and her blank stare was my answer. But I am convinced that it was her love for the British royals that caused her to pick out this name from among their common linage names. My father obviously went with the flow of this name, because what reason did he have to say no to it?

This is my advice for you young woke parents, how about you visit the bible for wholesome Jewish names, being the Christians you are. There are beautiful names, with their original meanings, and with a perfect balance of vowels and consonants to choose from. I recommend names such as Noah, Eve, Adam, Sara, Esther to young parents, who are seeking plausible names for their young ones. These names might sound common your ears but their meanings are of magnitude. However, leave out the complex Persian, Greek or Roman names you encounter in the bible that are heavy on the mouth and tongue-twisting. Alternatively, you could channel suitable names for your children from positive emotions or sentiments, favourite cities or even strong animals.

In my opinion, I do prefer native names like Kamau, Koffi, Kabaka, Awino, Amarachi, and Amina among many others. With such names, you are able to trace their meaning, roots, bloodline and ancestry. These names were created and passed down, with a reason and have a coded timeline or a season. Either way, dear parents, make sure to choose authentic names for your children, of which they can be proud of, for the rest of their natural days.