THE PROBLEM OF BEING A SECOND WIFE

 

STRUGGLE LOVE: AFRICAN EDITION; PART 4

THE PROBLEM OF BEING A SECOND WIFE

There is always a showdown in karmic city, where wives, sister-wives, mistresses, and side-pieces meet up and square it off, with cat fights, verbal slurs, and dark spells, defending their marital titles and positions, in the battle for struggle love. Listen up ladies, it is all good when you have a leg up in a competition, wearing the coveted heavy weight  championship belt, with a golden band to boot, assured that your win is secure, no matter how tough the fight is. But when you are a runner-up, trying to make a come-up against a ten-time defending champion, who is a skilled fighter and has experience in this game, my advice would be that you humble yourself and quit while ahead. This is not to discourage or de-motivate you, rather this is to make you well aware that such competitions are almost always in favour of the defending champions.

Such is the problem of being a second wife, whereby you will always hold second place, be second best, be second class, a second choice, play a second role, and your record sheet will not change. Some will beg to differ with me on this but the facts speak for themselves. In this day and age, where the future is female, any woman ought to pride herself as being the golden price ticket, and not to down-grade her worth to being a second class citizen. Two women sharing one husband, is disaster waiting to happen for both parties involved.

I happened to watch a cringe-worthy interview of a polygamous relationship of a husband and his two wives, who claimed to live happily together in harmony. Despite their positivity and a show of unity, you could cut the existing tension with a knife and smell the impending downfall. It is bad enough that the husband went and got himself a second wife, it is worse that he brought her into their marital home to live with them. Any self-respecting wife would have flipped on her husband, for attempting to welcome a third party into their situation. In African society, polygamy is a respected norm, where men are allowed to marry as many wives as they please.

Despite of religion, education and socio- economic and political factors, polygamy does not seem to budge. It has not aged off with time. Infact, it is penned in our constitutions and solidified in our conscience. Our men do quote the Bible and the Quran as having great examples to follow in matters polygamy. Nonetheless, why would any self-respecting woman want to be a second wife? Is it not better to be alone, than to be a third wheel? I would never encourage any modern type of woman to be a second wife. Why should you be a substitute, when you can be the main act? Why should you settle for sloppy seconds, when you can have the full course? Think about this carefully ladies. Even God would never give you second-hand blessings. When He decides to bless you, He will go all out and give you His very best, that will add no sorrow in your life. When God blesses you with a good and loving husband, he will be all yours and yours alone.

However, as a second wife, you are always viewed as an intruder. If anything goes wrong in the homestead, you will always be the first to be blamed. Every little thing will be your fault, from the neighbour’s cat going missing, to the local drunk intoxicating himself to death. Your community will label you as bad luck, creating obstacles in your path, making you feel unworthy and accursed. They will further claim that ever since you stepped your feet into another woman’s home, strife has been their karma, all to the benefit of the first wife. You might have been in this relationship for the sake of love and perhaps your husband would have demonstrated unconditional love for you, yet you know that it will never a smooth sailing relationship. You will be regarded as a sister wife, a title that you will carry, even if you are the sole breadwinner of the entire blended family. In short, you will always and forever be number two.

Speaking of which, there was one Akuku Danger, a real life Casanova, who tried to sneak me into a third party situation. He desired that I be a second wife, alongside his mistresses and side pieces. May God forgive him? At just fourty years of age, he dreamt of having children the size of a football team, including the coach and two referees. I had no choice but to rebuke him on the spot and set him straight. Two wives and ten children is not a good plan, especially if you have no economic might.

This message is for all the modern African women, desiring romantic partnerships. Polygamy is not for you my dear sisters. You were meant to be cherished by one good-natured man, in holy matrimony, who would purpose in his heart to give you unconditional love, and not share his love with every Jane, Mary and Susan. You will never feel beautiful and whole, partnered up in this polygamous type of relationship. Instead, it will strip you of your very essence and choke up your life, with pain and sorrow.

I know that there are women who do not mind being in polygamous entrapments, just as long as they are financially stable, yet in the long run, love surpasses any material wealth there is in the world. But there will come a time when you will be bothered by how other women have the kind of love you only dream of. It will bother you that you settled for financial stability over a blessed union and a serene lifestyle. Money is good but love is even greater. So, ladies, learn to be intentional with your love. Love yourself first and then be decisive with and embrace the kind of love that will grow and benefit you long-term.